Wow! That's one hellish fantasy, all right! Whew! I don't ever want to go there.
Like the writing, though, and your website is great. Looking forward to the next amazingly creepy installment! :) The WORD for 2007 is PEACE. "...The peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:7
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Very imaginative--I could never come up with such characters or plot. It certainly captures interest.
Re Part I: I don't really have any suggestions for changes, even grammatical ones. The only thing I noticed is that in the paragraph seventh from the end, there is a line where you meant to type "laughter" but it is misspelled "laugher."
OK, one more thing. Two paragraphs above this, the Dark Lord is filling the flask with the burning lake fluid. To me, "snares" doesn't seem like the right verb to describe capturing fluid in a flask. "Snares" sounds more like the kind of action (literal or figurative) that is done with a lasso, or a fishing line, or perhaps a net. Even given that he's using a flask, it sounds odd to me to "snare" fluid (burning or not). Hmm.... See what anyone else says.
Will magazines take excerpts like this, as interesting character studies, even if there isn't a full plot scene included? Hope you can attract more interest in your book.
Re Part II: The only suggestion I have is that at the end of the second paragraph, where it says "... waste no time to exploit his new powers," I would make it "... waste no time exploiting...." Very well done! I left a comment on this one.
Just so you know, I asked for people to edit my work. It only makes it better. So I've done the corrections. If you like to read the edited version here's the link to Scrolls Of The Gatekeeper: It's A Hellish Tale.
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